Watching my girl struggle tears me apart
I can’t think of anything else
I want to scoop her up and run
I want a restart
But God has told me to steady my heart
The cover up
I always used to tell the truth
Admit the worst
Flaunt my flaws
By your standards, not mine. She may not be reading as fast or writing so neat but she’s strong and brave and shes fast on her feet. She cares if you’re sad, or if you’re in need, she will give you her last bit of money and do it for free.
As I watched her walk toward me at pick up time I could tell she was on edge. Her body language, her eye contact, everything was off. The flapjack snack wasn’t going to cut it today. Just be smiley, walk the tightrope. Pray she doesn’t fall to pieces in front of anyone.
When I started writing this blog I wanted it to be a place of encouragement and joy, and I wanted to be real with you and bring you along on my journey of learning and growing. I hoped that through my many mishaps and challenges you could perhaps find some insight and awareness for you and your life, and that you could hopefully laugh at yourself through laughing at me!
Parenting can be a bit tricky sometimes.
There will be some days that I find myself despairing about my lack of skill and knowledge in this department, feeling fearful of letting my children down due to my inability to make decisions, not knowing exactly what I should be doing with them. I sometimes feel I must have missed the memo somewhere- the one that ALL the other parents got, the one that has some magic wisdom of getting your child to listen and obey, and just act normally.
Some days I feel like that.
What causes us to want to flee when things get too difficult, or too painful? What makes us seek out unhelpful distractions as a way to relieve tension, but not actually face what is going on? Rather then deal with the reality of the difficult issues in our lives, we sometimes attempt to escape them.
No matter how old, wise or mature we become, a small part of us will always be concerned about what others think, and especially how others will see what we perceive as our weaknesses.
Having a baby shakes up your world, on a practical level but also on a deeply emotional level. I found that not just my daily life and relationships were changed, but my very identity came into question.
Before I had my first baby, I thought I knew myself reasonably well, my faults and failures and where I excelled. I thought I knew my good and bad points but these are now all suddenly magnified and tested as you are pushed to your very limit and a just bit further.