We were very excited to embark on the journey of becoming parents; a decision made after much thought and after Matt had done all his budgeting spreadsheets and ticked off all the boxes (house, car, happy relationship). We then decided, ‘we are ready… now for the fun bit!’
We were I guess a little naïve about the minefield of trying for a baby and potential pain that was ahead.
After a few months we fell pregnant and the excitement was hard to contain, and for the most part impossible. I told the bus driver, matt told the neighbour’s cat. We let slip to a lot of people that we were expecting and we were just about fit to burst with excitement being able to think of nothing else.
What will she/he be like, will they have Matt’s eyes and my ears? Will they have my sense of humour or Matt’s kindness?
You build up a beautiful picture of what your new child will be like, and how your life will change and you pour yourself into it.
Sadly very early on things started to go wrong. Following the hope of seeing our baby’s heartbeat at an early scan and being sure all would be fine, we then faced the heartbreak at our next scan (five weeks later) of discovering our baby had died.
After the news we were heartbroken, lost, and so so disappointed. I gradually started to go to God with less and less. I had lost trust in Him, the one who had heard me cry out to keep my baby alive and who had not heard me.
We had been puting our trust in god giving us what we wanted, and in things going our way and we had to learn that God is good and faithful regardless of what is happening.
He heard every cry to him I made, every plea and he saw every tear and he felt it all. He grieves too and it breaks his heart too.
I will never regret the excitement and the telling people, we celebrated our little baby’s life and nothing can take that away.
Sadly we had another very early miscarriage and though less traumatic and less emotionally attached, we still felt the blow of the loss and the possibility of what this could mean for our future.
We decided to wait and give ourselves time to heal and although this carried its own burdens and difficulties, I can see now it was the right thing to do. In this wait, I started to take things to God more and gradually stepped back into his grace and mercy. With each little step, he held me closer and closer.
We are now expecting a little baby girl and although the first few months were full of caution and worry, we feel overjoyed now and are looking forward to our little girl being born in Feb 2014.
Becoming a mum is a journey, and just like any journey it is full of joy and pain and boring bits and exciting bits and bits where you laugh so much you cry.
Reflecting on this now (back in 2017) I just want to add that if you have been through a miscarriage and you are struggling to come to terms with your loss, please don’t suffer in silence. I found I got stuck in a cycle of depression for months after and I actually came to a point where I had to make the choice to either remain there in my sadness or to step forwards and not allow it to hold me stuck any more. I was helped by a trained practitioner at Reflect to come to a place of wanting to move forwards, not to forget what has happened, but to allow myself to hope again.
The lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking, he saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage. That is a lot of heartbreak and although the times are changing, it is still a taboo subject. The more we can open about our own experiences the more we can help those suffering with silent grief.
Break the silence on miscarriage.